When You Blame Yourself

If I steal five dollars from you, I know what I did wrong. I can admit it, apologize, and give you your money back. There's a specific wrong to deal with.

But suppose you're the one who was wronged. Somebody you trusted mistreated you, or somebody you loved walked out. You know what happened, and you know you didn't deserve it. You still find yourself wondering what was wrong with you. Why weren't you worth treating better?

That's harder to deal with than the five dollars. You can't pay somebody back for something you didn't do. And shame doesn't go away just because you know whose fault it was. It lingers, and it grows, and it rots inside you.

The apostle John wrote to Christians after people they knew had abandoned Jesus and left the church. The people who stayed were still trusting Jesus, but being rejected by people they cared about had shaken them. And when somebody you admire hurts you, you'll often find a way to make it your fault, even when it isn't.

John wanted those Christians to be sure they belonged to God. He wrote, "God is greater than our heart, and he knows everything" (1 John 3:20).

By heart, he meant your feeler and your thinker both. Both are broken by sin, and both can be wrong. We can feel worthless, then spend hours coming up with reasons it must be true.

God knows everything that happened. He knows what the other person did, and He knows what it did to you. When your heart tells you that you don't deserve love, that's a lie, and you have to persuade your heart with a higher authority. You tell it, "No, feeler. No, thinker. You're not the highest authority. God is." And God says somebody else's sin doesn't make you unlovable.

John's aim was confidence before God. His word for it means being able to look somebody in the face and talk to him straight, instead of picking your words like a private who has to go see the general. Jesus Christ died to take away our guilt and our shame. The people John was writing to belonged to Him, even while they were struggling to believe they did.

Being mistreated by somebody you trusted is painful enough. Don't let it steal your confidence with God too. God has more authority than your heart, and He knows everything.

— tobe